IFS - harmonization of your inner eco-system
IFS - Internal Family Systems Therapy
IFS got its name because Richard Schwartz, who discovered the approach, had worked with families and the dynamics that exist between them on the outside and noticed that the mind on the inside functions in the same way - that there seems to be different parts/"sub-personalities" in the inner life that relate to each other in ways that resemble the dynamics seen in families and other external systems (e.g., organizations).
Maybe you're thinking:
"What's all this about sub-personalities?
That sounds a bit disturbed?"
But;
Do you know the feeling when after a long workday you mostly just want to throw yourself on the couch with treats for eyes and palate and completely zone out - but you made a New Year's resolution to start running and cooking from scratch?
Or, you're invited to a party and have been looking forward to it, but when the day arrives, you feel more like staying home?
Most people recognize being "in two minds" or waver between one decision and then another. In IFS, this is understood as an expression that all people consist of different parts that have different desires, impulses, feelings and needs - like different inner personalities.
The idea is that these parts have different roles and mutual relationships with each other and are part of a system.
One part can have the role of ensuring that we are well-organized - that part is really at work Monday morning when we need to get out the door and perhaps dream of turning off the snooze button completely and diving right back into dreamland.
Another part can have the role of ensuring that we can relax, breathe a little more freely and let loose a bit more. That part can take control Friday afternoon over a beer or two after work.
The two parts can indeed stand in opposition to each other, as one "tightens" and the other "loosens," but deep down, according to the thinking in IFS, the two parts both want something that is beneficial for the entire system that constitutes a particular person.
One of the mottos for IFS is also the title of one of IFS's main works: "No bad parts."
There are protective parts that are proactive, called "managers" in IFS, while other parts are reactive, called "firefighters" in IFS.
That is, managers are concerned with preventing something unpleasant from happening, and firefighters step in, as a valve, when emotional pressure has built up too much for the managers to hold it back.
That parts are part of a system means that a change in one place has consequences for other parts of the system.
If, for example, we have lived very much according to our managers for a long time and have been very tense; perhaps worked a lot, kept a strict diet and exercise plan and hung on for dear life, then the pendulum will typically swing over so we start getting strong impulses to pull the plug, perhaps disappear into consuming large amounts of TV series or pleasure-oriented food and have the work phone completely tucked away.
A system - like an ecosystem - requires a certain balance to function harmoniously. In nature we see that ecosystems are self-organizing.
The question is, what organizes the human system?
Who is in control of your life?
Is it younger parts that take turns being in charge, or is there a form of conscious leadership?
One of psychology's great forefathers, Carl Jung, said something along the lines that if you let the unconscious remain unconscious, you will let it control your life and call it your destiny.
Therefore, one of the goals in IFS is to become more aware of which part is in charge when - and take leadership from the place from which all parts are witnessed.
Even though it can sometimes feel that way, you are not one with your different parts - you are that which can observe them.
The first step in any change is awareness and this is of course not unique to IFS.
"Ah - I can feel that there's a part of me that really wants to eat that cake, but also another part that becomes dissatisfied if I do."
Most of us know such dilemmas. It's part of human life and having different parts inside isn't something IFS invented.
But in IFS we don't just talk about the parts, but go in and talk directly to and with them to get to know them better.
So one enters into dialogue with the different parts, similar to how one would enter into dialogue with another person.
How can it help us to do this?
Part of what can make it difficult to navigate our dilemmas is if we have difficulty acting differently even though we are aware.
The root of this can be that our parts are burdened. We can find out by asking them directly.
It could be, for example, that a manager-part carries a great responsibility, has done so for a long time and finds the task exhausting.
It could be that as a child one quickly learned to take a lot of responsibility in the family if there was illness, abuse or many other and younger children. It could be that one was then afraid that everything would fall apart if one did NOT do it and therefore the task is also connected with some anxiety in the present. In IFS work, one can discover that parts of oneself feel much younger than one's actual age and are surprised when they are updated on this.
As a rule, one will discover in the investigation that the parts have a protective function in the system. They try hard to prevent us from coming into contact with old pain, what in IFS is called "the exiles."
When managers don't succeed at this, despite their hard work, the firefighters step in. They are often powerful and don't have much regard for the long-term consequences.
It could be that one has outbursts of rage when something doesn't go according to plan, lashes out at others or turns it inward through various forms of self-destructive behavior.
Firefighters also protect us, even though it doesn't always look that way. They protect us from the pain that the exiled parts carry.
The exiled parts can often be "inner children" at different ages, burdened with perceptions of being inadequate, unlovable or unworthy.
And why has the part that carries the child's pain been exiled?
For any child, a place in the close community is vital and perceptions like the above will therefore be connected with strong, painful feelings such as anxiety and shame. For a child it can be almost unbearable to feel these feelings, and therefore the protective parts step in and shield us from them.
Managers do this by trying to prevent the pain from being triggered (e.g., "if only I work hard enough, I will never again have to feel inadequate").
Firefighters do this by distracting us from it, in various creative ways, when the pain has nevertheless been evoked (e.g., when something happens in life outside our managers' control or when managers have become exhausted over time).
In IFS we cooperate with the protectors before we go into the painful places they try to prevent access to and meet the exiled parts.
Once we understand our protectors, we can acknowledge the role they have (had) and inspire them that our system can meet the exiled parts in a way they couldn't back then, now that "the system" has become adult and has access to other resources,
In this way, the protectors can be unburdened and their energy can be freed to either work in our system in a different way or they can relax a bit more.
A bit like a hardworking parent can get more time for their own projects when the children have moved out. Or just go on a well-deserved vacation in the sun.
So how can we meet the exiled part, the pain that once felt unbearable, in a different way?
This is where IFS differs significantly from other approaches that also work with inner parts. Because in IFS, the healing force consists of certain, relational capacities that reside deep within all of us, and which are healing to be in relationship with.
It is common (psychotherapeutic) sense that a relationship with another person can be healing for us. Because if we and our vulnerability are met with qualities such as warmth, empathy, genuine curiosity and perspectives full of wisdom, then "something falls into place" in our inner being and we feel more at ease with ourselves.
In IFS, access to these qualities is cultivated so that one can meet both others and oneself in that way. It is thus primarily the relationship with oneself that carries the healing work. It is empowering and enabling, so that one doesn't feel as dependent on others to feel seen and "met."
And this healing is of course accelerated when that work takes place in a relationship with another person (e.g., a psychologist) who also displays these qualities.
In IFS language, the term "Self" is used for these important relational qualities and they are described with "the 8 C's;"
Curiosity, clarity, creativity, confidence, calm, compassion, connectedness, courage.
When we relate to all our inner parts with validating qualities such as a felt sense of compassion, warmth, wisdom and curiosity, they experience themselves as seen, met and respected - and that is powerfully healing.
Such a meeting is healing, whether the meeting takes place in an external or an internal relationship.
But when therapy is over, the relationship with oneself and one's inner parts is more decisive than the relationship with the psychologist, even though the relationship may have been inspiring.
Relationships with others cannot be taken for granted - the relationship with oneself is guaranteed for life.
And the relationship with oneself will typically be of much better quality after IFS therapy.
In IFS it's called a "U-turn" when one goes from seeking validation from others to turning toward oneself in a validating way. It can be summed up with the title of one of Schwartz's books:
"You are the one you've been waiting for!"
An example of the difference is what happens if we receive criticism from other people.
Does the criticism become fuel for relentless self-criticism? Do we ruminate for days over the criticism, do we prepare a defense speech, do we lash out in anger at the one who criticized, to protect ourselves? Do we seek confirmation from others that the criticism doesn't fit and that the critic is completely off base?
Or can we take the feedback in - sort out what is useful and sort out what was perhaps said reactively?
In the first case, the criticism hits unnecessarily hard because it "fits" with a self-critical way of relating to oneself. Perhaps one has a part within that exercises merciless criticism against oneself. This makes one vulnerable to others' criticism and typically more defensive. Thus we can miss out on important feedback from others.
In the second case, we exercise healthy self-examination. Our inner critic is characterized by mental clarity and wisdom. Perhaps in the process we also notice exiled parts within ourselves that felt "hit" and can turn toward them with compassion, warmth and give them an update on life as it is now compared to then.
And what do we get from meeting the exiled part, the pain that was once unbearable, from Self?
If we go along again with the IFS motto that all parts are welcome, all parts work for the system's best and the parts are like small personalities, then there is "gold" to be gained by getting the parts that were previously exiled integrated into the rest of the system. The exiled parts typically carry some qualities in our essence that were also exiled and thus temporarily lost in "the system."
It could be, for example, a part that is full of play and spontaneity, but was exiled because playing and being spontaneous as a child was met with punishment. By meeting these parts from Self, the part can be "brought home." The payoff will typically be that one gets more access to these qualities again - without fear of punishment, because the part has been updated to the reality of the present.
IFS is thus a trauma-informed therapeutic approach that shows great respect for our defenses and inner wisdom. IFS can help us get "the inner ecosystem" in balance and fertilize the ground so that our parts can grow up and bloom like a lush landscape, so we feel life within ourselves from all our parts.
Furthermore, the more harmonious relationships we have in our inner life, the more harmonious relationships we typically have with others. The more "exiled parts" we "bring home" within ourselves, the better we can hold others' exiled parts and thereby find it easier to be with other people.
I cannot imagine anything more meaningful than cultivating qualities like the 8 C's in each and every one of us.
IFS is a global phenomenon and a rapidly growing therapy form that almost goes hand in hand with the psychedelic renaissance. IFS therapy in itself can feel slightly psychedelic and in psychedelic therapy one often sees that clients spontaneously begin to work "in the IFS way."
Psychedelics in connection with therapy? You can read more about that in the next blog post, as one of my offerings is integration of psychedelic experiences.